When the standup comedian sits down.

(The reason I refuse to do standup comedy)

It was in the year of 2010 when I was presented an opportunity to make a living on stage. It wasn’t a major show, or at a major venue with a major promoter but it was a chance to try something that people have asked me to do many of times. So there were a number of people standing in my corner saying “this is your chance, you got to do this.” I was even promised payment upfront for my time. All I had to do was show up the night of the show ready to get on stage. So against my better judgment I decided to go for it…. Wrong answer!

I want to be completely honest about this and tell you, I don’t think I am funny. I never have found myself humorous, ever! I have seen videos and heard recorded conversations where I say something once or twice and get a reaction but it’s in the conversation and not planned, so other than being peer pressured into doing this show I really didn’t want to do it. . So there I was, three days away from my debut as a standup comedian and all I have is a knock-knock joke, a couple plagiarized YouTube acts, and some one-liners off old laffy taffy candies I found in my truck while I was looking for change to pay for the toll bridge. Ready or not here I come and I really hope no one had heard these jokes before.

The night of the show, I arrived to the venue and as promised I received my payment, a bottle of Jägermeister. Let’s stop here… The idea that the promoter had was that all the comedians would have a drink, get relaxed and deliver a great show. Not my fault he didn’t tell me what his idea was, so I drank the entire bottle before I went on stage that night. Now I’m not talking a big bottle or anything but it was more than enough for one person. So here we are, standing backstage getting prepped and the room starts spinning ever so slowly. At this point the promoter is less than thrilled with me and I’m thinking he’s about to pull the plug, sweet! NOPE! He pats me on the back and says “You’re up.” 

I don't really know what came over me at this moment but as I was walking onto the stage I decided that the best thing to do was throw all my material into the air and watch it fall. Of course this got a reaction from the crowd but left me with nothing. No notes, no que cards, nothing but me an empty music stand and a microphone. Now, I’m not sure if anyone has ever noticed or not but I can't keep track of a conversation sober so doing a standup routine after over serving myself was going to be a "hoot nanny”…. I don’t recall much past this moment but I can tell you I didn’t tell a single bit of my “prepared” material and I spoke every word to the intro song of The Fresh Prince of Bel Air. Since I was the last performer of the night I thought when I walked of the stage that was it… Again, I was wrong. The promoter got back on the stage and decided to have all the performers do a segment together. This wasn’t in my contract but I decided to go along with it.

So I made it through the night and was actually proud that I survived. I heard the promoter talking with the other talent about doing another show and I was okay with not being asked to do it again. Unfortunately for me I didn’t make it out of the door in time. As I was getting my things together the promoter approaches me. My only thought was, “He wants his money back for the liquor I drank and I don’t have cash.” I wasn’t prepared to be blindsided by the words that came out of his mouth… “I want you to be in the next show!” AHH HELL NO!!! Nope, ain’t gonna happen. I played your game, I lost. Im packing my things and leaving, Thanks for the opportunity…. These were all the things that went through my head but the only thing to come out of my mouth was “Okay, sure! When’s the next show?”

So a month later I am back at the club standing backstage being told I am going last. The difference was I wasn’t drinking. I took time to put a quality piece together and I was going to give this everything I had. No matter the outcome by the end of this night we will find out if I had what it takes to do this. Now the other change that I probably should’ve taken notice about was the change in seating at the club. There were two long tables at the end of the stage that looked like stage extenders. As I was finishing my performance I decided to walk out on these “stage extenders”. I remember my buddy Danny telling me not to walk out there but this isn’t his show so he can be quiet. I took two more steps, the tables collapsed in the middle and I went down and was wedged in between the two tables. I finished my last 30 seconds from the position.

                           That was the last time I ever did standup comedy.